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The Ultimate Conspiracy Theory

Web posted on June 22, 2017

A Curmudgeon's View

By Les Enekes

In case you haven't noticed, I have used every possible opportunity to put down and ridicule what I refer to as the "marketing people." It is their mission to convince us to buy products that we don't want or need. They know what is best for us. They gave us product placement everywhere from the supermarket isles to movies. They are the people who put those irritating quarter page flaps on the front of grocery flyers, not to mention those silly things that stick out of the middle of flyers (I am sure there is a name for them). These are the people who have given us those mind numbing commercials and even more mind numbing TV shows, and movies. They took noise and told us it was music and many people believed them. Some of us know its only noise. They are the people who determine the layout of stores and malls. They are the ones who block the isles of stores with their point of sale devices. They have the ability to turn many normal people into zombies on Black Friday and Boxing Day. They have turned many more people into lemmings by convincing them to "follow" alleged celebrities on the internet for no logical reason. They convinced us that we have to drink our water from a plastic bottle, not the tap. Some of them tell us to bundle everything to save money, and the airline people are telling us that unbundling will save us money. They tell us what to buy and when to buy it. They convinced too many people to buy oversized useless gas guzzling vehicles. Some of them are now telling us that we should be riding our bikes all year around.

They even go after children trying to get them to eat and drink all sorts of unhealthy stuff, and let's not forget the toys. The toys are created first, then they come up with a TV show that is just a full length commercial.

You cannot go anywhere nor do anything without their control. It goes way beyond just advertising. Every aspect of our lives is controlled by these people. They keep telling us that we must time travel twice a year even though it makes no economic sense, and in reality is resulting in more harm than good. They even want us to do some of their dirty work for them by wearing clothes with company logos, then making people pay a premium price to advertise their product. Restaurants hope that you will take pictures of your meal, then post the pictures on all the anti-social sites telling everyone what a great meal you had. They get the free advertising and you don't even get a discount. Even Darth Mickey is under their absolute control. Just look at the amount of hype for last year's movie that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, which, by the way was much better than the previous effort. It had a real director and a somewhat plausible script.

They have created the weak minded and are preying on them. They try to confuse us by telling us that something is good for us one day, bad for us the next day, and all of a sudden it's good for us again. They tell us what is cool and what isn't. They want us to use corporate names for sports facilities and events. To them we are sheep to be herded. Could this be the beginning of the real zombie apocalypse? Just look at all the anti-social media sites on the internet telling us the "absolute truth." Who do you think created all those alleged celebrities doing stupid things? How else did some of those people ever get elected?

Marketing = Propaganda. It has worked for every dictator and despot out there past and present, and will continue to do so in the future as long as they can control the weak minded.

If you are looking for a conspiracy theory, this is the only one that matters. The world is not run by the Iluminadi, or the Masons, and certainly not our governments. All of these groups have been created by the marketing people and their masters (I am sure they have a secret name for themselves - Department of Mind Control has a nice ring to it) to distract us from their nefarious efforts.

This is just like when the U.S. Air Force invented UFOs to distract people from their secret projects. Besides, if there were space aliens out there, do you really think that they would be so obvious about it? They have cloaking devices, oops, sorry, I am not supposed to tell you that. Even more important, the best proof of intelligent life out there is that they have not contacted us.

Every so called Conspiracy Theory out there is a distraction created by the Department of Mind Control (I think I will use that term from now on) to divert us from the truth. Why else would there be all those outrageous conspiracy theories out there? The assumption being the more conspiracy theories out there, the more likely that people will believe some, or all of them.

Wait a minute, maybe they are the space aliens and this is their way of taking over the planet. (That sounds like the plot line for a really bad movie.) No matter what we do, we are under their complete control, or are we?

They have only one law: Superior Marketing will overcome superior quality, good taste, logic, and common sense. Actually, that is my first law. More about The Curmudgeon's Laws in the future.

Did you really think that I would never come up with a Conspiracy Theory?

I have to admit that I used to be taken in by their mind games (the Jedi are mere amateurs by comparison), but somehow built an immunity. I have become an agent of the Light Side. Those of us who have evolved beyond their mind control must spread the word that they can be defeated. It is time to form a resistance and overcome them.

It will not be easy, because they will fight with every weapon in their arsenal. Those aren't monsters hiding under the bed, there are no monsters hiding in the closet, and there is no boogeyman. It's The Marketing People, agents of the Hench Persuasion for the Department of Mind Control, and they are scarier than any other monsters you can think of. We all know who is really behind the Department of Mind Control. Think about it.

Resistance is not futile. We have to start acting like cats (ever try herding cats?), not sheep. We have to start thinking for ourselves again. It can be done by not buying every inferior product being over promoted. Avoid that cereal box in the grocery isle with a years worth of sugar in it. Buy a sensible form of transport rather than that large oversized, hideously ugly, grossly expensive, gas guzzling, silly urban vehicle. Ignore the advertising for that that repugnant overpriced piece of clothing with a big fancy logo on it. They should be paying you to wear it. You really don't need those shoes that cost ten times more than regular ones just because some overpaid athlete endorses it. Water comes from a tap, not a plastic bottle. Do your really need that latest smart phone that has one new feature over last years model and catches fire as a free bonus? Why are you thinking about that new large screen TV to replace the perfectly good two year old model? Do you really need the latest (but never the greatest) software upgrade? Stop watching those unreality shows on TV. Don't go to the 27th sequel of a movie that should never have been made in the first place. Don't go to that movie that is nothing more than a two hour commercial for the merchandise they are trying to sell you, and is hyped for months before the release date. Don't vote for the guy with nice hair, questionable hair or even no hair (yes he did pull out of politics but you never know he might be back). Stop posting company names with your anti-social media posts. The list goes on.

Now you know why I refuse to use company names in my columns unless it is absolutely necessary. I don't want to do anything that helps the Department of Mind Control.

Learn how to ignore those flashy ads for products you really don't need. Learn how to make advertising work for you. We are not sheep and can rise up and rid the world of them. Just like in "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy," when the revolution comes they must be the first up against the wall.

The next time you are a store and are being tempted by something you really don't want or need, and has been over advertised, remember these words of wisdom: "This isn't the product you are looking for, move along."

If there is no column next week, you will know what happened.

Les Enekes can be reached directly by owl. For those not owl equipped, he can be reached at

The views of columnists in The Fountain Pen do not necessarily represent the views of the principals of the publication.

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